I don't remember saying goodbye
by ThePurplePianoProject
Summary: With a handful of red roses, Kurt doesn't know what to do. Should he make the step to what might provide closure? Or avoid it because of the fear of breaking down again? Luckily, a close friend is there to help.


**Hey there! _*waves*_**

**The thing you are about to read came in mind a few days ago while listening to Regina's song and I just couldn't bring myself to skip it and move forward without doing something about it. So, here it is, at your own discretion. :)**

**You should be advised though that it is my first ever piece of writing that makes it to this site (and my first ever piece of writing that is completed :D).**

**It was originally intended as a drabble, but then it kept growing larger and larger and it ended up like this - at 2,000 words. Oh well... Now enough of my rambling. :)) I'll let you read and then feel free to review, if you'd like. I would love to hear what people think of my writing and where it should be improved. So, don't shy away, I won't bite! :)**

**Side note: This is not the current timeline of Glee. It's way into the future (read Kurt and Rachel are both over 30).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee **_(I wouldn't know what to do with it if I_ _did)_**, the Grey's Anatomy references** **nor Regina Spektor's 'Eet'.**

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**I don't remember saying goodbye…**

"It's near Kew Gardens, in Queens." a tall man tried to explain to the cab driver who just nodded in response.

He then laid back in his seat and tried to clear his head of all those memories. He knew that once he'd let them in, there was no turning back. No way of stopping what would happen next. He sighed softly and shook his head as if to let that train of thought go away. But, in the next instant, it all washed over his body again once he took in the sight of the red roses resting right next to him. He hurried to catch the tear that was finding its way down his cheek and quickly wiped it off, glancing through the window as the car passed by Central Park South.

_No,_ he said to himself. _Kurt, _and paused to inhale sharply and steady himself for what he was about to say, _you __**have**__ to do this. You __**owe**__ it to him. More than ever. No matter what this will do to you._ And it was true. The grief that was bound to make its way back into his life after this trip scared him to his core and made his body shiver slightly. Then again, he constantly put it off, blaming his busy schedule, though he knew well why he was doing that. He wasn't ready. Yet. Maybe he will never be ready. How could anyone be ready for something like this? Only if you had a stone in the place your heart is supposed to reside. He laughed at the thought.

However, there was a person who put him back together when his heart was shattered in a million pieces and no one thought that it would be humanly possible for someone to get over something like that. His body tightened at that last memory. _Nope, just breathe. Slowly,_ he told himself. It took all his energy not to lose it and turn back to that dark place he wandered in for the past few months. _Keep it together, Kurt. You promised her that you'd do this. And come out of it unharmed. Or close to it._ Sure, that's easy to say, but go ahead and physically do it. It might not turn out the way you thought it will.

He glanced once more through the window. The cab was just taking a last turn until it was out of Manhattan and off to Queens. Off to the place that made up the object of his dread from the moment he took control of his body again until now. _Good thing I cancelled all my rehearsals for the next two weeks. Just in case…_he trailed off. _Just in case I…_but he couldn't make himself say it.

Instead he closed his eyes for a second to allow himself to regain his composure. It might not have been the wisest thing he has done as memories of his first encounter with Blaine played in slow motion against his eyelids. _Is this how fear mixed up with anxiety messes up with your brain?_ He thought that only happens in books or movies.

The wood of the handrail back at Dalton Academy felt cold against the skin of his hand and he could see that curly-haired brunet passing him by. He cringed in his seat at the sight of him like that. And then he turned around and introduced himself with those hazel-green eyes looking at him with nothing but kindness and warmth. Kurt felt his heart melt again and ready to burst open at the seams. But then he felt the pull on his sleeve as the other teenager grabbed his hand and almost dragged him through the corridors to a hall full of singing teenagers. The Warblers. He couldn't take it any longer and flung his eyelids open in an attempt to catch his breath which, by now, was erratic and made his driver look worriedly at him.

"Sir, are you okay? Would you like me to pull over?" the man addressed him through the opening that separated the front seats from the back of the car while slowly reducing the speed of the car.

"No, no. It's nothing." Kurt waved it off and settled himself back in his seat once the car returned to its previous pace.

He could tell that they were getting closer to their destination as the number of parks they were passing by was steadily increasing. There was so much peace here, away from the madness of Manhattan. And so much green and fresh air. This was certainly not a place for Kurt to linger too much in. Not good with his plans of not breaking down again. He sucked in a deep breath just as the car came to a stop. _Right. Here it is,_ he mouthed under his breath as he handed the cab driver a $50 dollar bill and asked him to keep the change.

Kurt stepped out of the cab and carefully retrieved the red roses from inside the car, holding them closely to his chest, hoping to feel the warmth that was never going to come. He then took the opportunity to adjust his black suit, just in time for him to see a woman dressed in a fashionable black dress walk towards him with an affectionate smile on her face.

"Thought you were never going to come." she said reassuringly. "But, here you are." she gestured towards him and then gave him a light hug.

"It…did cross my mind." he let out a sigh. "But then I thought I would have to do this at some point. And then, there was you Rachel. You were there when everyone has almost given up on me. And.." but he was cut off.

"Kurt, stop. You don't have to do this for me, you know that. Whenever you're ready." the woman said in a comforting manner.

"I know, I know…I don't think that I'll ever be ready for it. But, let's…try?" the man replied while stifling the wave of emotions that were ready to crush him the second he let down his guard. He then offered his hand and the other took it without hesitation.

They walked towards the large gates and were about to enter the grounds when Kurt froze on his feet at the sight of the vast lawn with granite headstones scattered around, equally spaced from each other. He could feel Rachel's hand on his shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze. It was all he needed to break off from whatever thoughts were beginning to form in his head again. He inhaled and let out a small thank you before continuing their stroll.

This was so odd. And so wrong. How can life be so unfair to some people? Look at him. His only support now is Rachel. And even she is not available all the time, because she has her husband, Finn, to take care of. Of course, he's an adult now and has his acting jobs around the city, but she still feels the need to babysit him. The urge of someone caring for him is killing him from the inside. Or even those last months with him. Yeah, he was cool with that now. Just, please, can someone bring his person back? With all the consequences implied. Just…_please._

They were walking on a path with trees on both sides, protecting them from the quite powerful rays of a July morning sun, when they turned right and stepped out on the grass, following a row of those granite headstones that made Kurt nauseous. Looking apprehensively at the names carved in stone he felt his heart stop beating in his chest when he finally saw it: _"In loving memory of Blaine Anderson"_. He broke from Rachel's hold and dropped to his knees unable to either stand or hold back his sobs, the roses dropping on the cold granite. She lunged forward to try to hold his shuddering form, but was quickly cut off by the man's cracking voice.

"Will you…give me a moment?" Kurt let out through his heavy sobbing.

"…S-sure." Rachel responded and she turned away to go sit on a nearby bench, her eyes full of tears at the sight of her best friend mourning over the grave of his true love.

In this moment he let down all his barriers. He was bare and he never felt more scared and vulnerable. The touch of the cold stone against his skin sent a spark through his body, triggering a series of not so pleasant memories about the last months together with Blaine. They all flashed through his mind as a choppy low-budget action movie. He remembered the stern face of the neurologist when he announced the diagnostic to them: early onset Alzheimer's. Then his mind flew to the morning Blaine didn't remember who he was anymore. It broke his heart all over again. Nobody said that it would happen so soon. And the doctors they went to said that nothing can be done. He had to remember every single time why he was doing this, why he was repeating **their** past all over again. Because it was **him**. The same man that captured his heart that day at Dalton Academy. The man whom he was madly in love with. But that didn't change the fact that he hated it all sometimes. And then the lightning struck. One moment he was there, the next he was in the ER, listening to the doctors screaming "Clear!". They said it was a stroke. After that, it all went blank for him. He didn't want to live anymore. He didn't have **who** to live for. Someone should have better put a dagger through his already crushed heart and just end all the suffering. It was better for everyone. But no one had endured to do it.

And that led him here. To mourning over the grave of Blaine. His only love. He just didn't know what to do anymore and then it clicked. And the lines kept pouring without him bothering to pay attention, in a soothing rhythm, as a sweet goodbye.

_It's like forgetting the words to your favorite song.  
You can't believe it; you were always singing along.  
It was so easy and the words so sweet._

He smiled at what he was doing. It was a bitter-sweet smile, Kurt thought, as he wiped off the tears that didn't want to stop pouring. But, it was that new memory that put him back together. It was then, just after the first night of _West Side Story_, back in high school when Blaine said to him "_Just like the song."_ And he held on to that for now. He laughed unsteadily as he replayed the words in his mind. It was peaceful and heartwarming, just what he needed as he went on with his singing.

_You can't remember; you try to move your feet.  
It was so easy and the words so sweet.  
You can't remember; you try to feel the beat..._

As the song drew to a close, he leant in and placed a light kiss over the name carved in the unmerciful material. Then he arranged the red roses neatly over it, and stood up as he whispered "farewell".

Kurt turned to look for Rachel and found her sitting on a bench across the row of headstones, face buried in her hands. He went over and embraced her with as much strength as was left in him. She sniffled a bit and he offered his pocket square to wipe the tears off. This was closure for him. Or the closest he would get. He never thought that he would actually feel better than before after doing this. The faint smile still lingered on his lips as they stood up and headed for the entrance gates.

"Did it help?" Rachel asked sheepishly as she was struggling to fix up her make-up.

"In a way. I don't remember saying goodbye to him, you know?" he replied and the smile began to fade.

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**So how was it? Was it bad? _*afraid* _**

**Let me know what you think of it and see you around! Oh, and have a slice of bread with Nutella on your way out! :)**


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